New subreddit on Reddit for Mario and Luigi

A forum with  anything related to the Mario bros, Yoshi, Bowser, Princess Peach, Toad, Sonic and all the other Nintendo characters.

SQL Server Error messages

Here is another good site for errors.  This time for SQL Server database errors.

Another Oracle database error site

Here is another site showing the cause and action of all Oracle database errors. You can enter comments to to help others.

Tips to resolve Oracle Database Errors

I found this really good site called Oratip that lists every single Oracle Error, for Oracle datbase, SQL*Loader, RMAN etc.  There are over 18000 pages.  Every error gives you the error message, the cause of the error and the action you should take to resolve it.  Also you can enter comments (user posts) to ask questions about the oracle error, or leave your own tips for others. Very cool.

Oracle database errors can be really interesting

Here is a very useful site giving tips to resolve Oracle database errors.  You can post your own tips to fix ORA errors, or ask questions.

The site is called Oratip.com.

If you have any errors in your Oracle database this is a good place to start as it gives you the cause and action that you should follow to fix the problem.

Best U2 Song (This time we can really know)

I know this question has been asked before but I think we can actually figure it out this time. I set up a survey that lists loads of U2 songs and you can rate each one from 1 to 10. So we can really see the strength of feelings you have for the song. If a song you like is not listed you can add it without registering, or anything.  Please go and vote!
Wikid Survey- Best U2 Song

What is the best Beatles album??

What is the best Beatles album?? Wikid survey.

Best Beatles song

Best Beatles song

The Beatles had made so many great songs. But which is the best? Wikid Survey.

Best Wii game

Wii: What is the best Nintendo Wii Game?

If the game you like isn't listed, you can add it yourself. Wikid Survey.

Survey

Survey site. There is a great new survey site. Wikid Survey. Vote on any survey. View the results. Create a survey on any topic. Change any existing survey, Wiki-style. It's all free and no registration needed.

Boy Racer

Driving down Telegraph Road today I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw a black Ford Focus bearing down on me at great speed. Being a notorious haunt for cop speed-traps I could only assume it was a particularly reckless boy racer, with a radar detector on his dashboard, willing to take his chance with the law. I looked over as he passed, only to find that it was actually an elderly lady, probably in her early eightess, in a floral top, sporting a dashing pearl necklace, and with a disabled sign hanging from the mirror. I can only assume she was late for Church and that she didn't want to sin by being late.

The Buoyancy Properties of Waterborne Transportation Devices versus Hoofed Milk-Producing Mammals

Boats float.
Goats don't.

The Last Place You Look

It took me until the age of 25 to actually stop and think about the expression "it's always in the last place you look" when you are trying to find something. I suddenly realized, in a euphoric moment, that it was true, it really always is in the last place you look beacuse once you have found it you don't keep looking any more. Then, it took me another 2 years to realize that is the whole point of the expression, and that all along it was a grand joke that everyone in the English speaking world had been in on but me. But I'll have the last laugh. I'm going to hide it where none of you will ever find it.

Where Art Imitates Life

Computer animation must be getting better and better. My Mother in Law recently saw the new computer animated film Polar Express with the voice of Tom Hanks. Her comment was "It's amazing that Tom Hanks played 5 of the roles in that film and some of them didn't even look like him. He even played a little boy, but it looked like he had some kind of weird rubber mask on". I wanted so much to leave her in her own world of wonder but I just couldn't help breaking the news to her that it was an animated film.

Big Mouth Strikes Again

Lionel Richie's mouth is so wide you could park a truck in it. Julia Robert's mouth is so wide you could park a cruise liner in it. It they had a kid it would look like a Wide Mouthed Tree Frog.

Old and Hairy

Three remarkable things happen to Englishmen as they get older. Firstly their ears grow larger. Unfortunately this is the only part of a man's body that keeps growing as he gets older. By the time he is 85 his ears are about 4 inches long and completely out of proportion to his wrinkly face. Secondly he has hair growing out of his ears - So much so that you wonder if that could be the cause for his deafness. Thirdly he has hair protruding so far out of his nose that you can't help but stare at it, causing a complete lack of concentration on his otherwise interesting stories about the Nazis during the war. A few years ago my wife and I were trying out a few churches to see where we might want to go. At one of them the old vicar had such long nose-hair that neither of us heard a word of his long sermon. Of course we didn't go back to that church, except for one time to drop off an anonymous parcel of some hose-hair scissors into his pigeon-hole with the note "I thought you might want this. Love Big G.".

Curtain Management

I find that the best 'curtain management technique' is to close them at
night and open them in the morning.

Instructions for pouring the perfect Coke

1) Select your glass. Never use plastic, and never drink from the can - these affect the Real taste. Do not use a cheap glass. Use a heavy large glass. The perfect glass would be a lead-crystal 16 fluid oz glass.
2) Fill the glass about a third full of ice. If possible use a combination of crushed ice and whole ice cubes (crushed ice on top).
3) Let the ice sit for about 5 minutes in the glass.
4) Carefully take 1 can of Coca Cola from the fridge. The fridge must be on a cold setting and the Coke must have been in there for at least 4 hours. Do not shake the can in any way.
5) Ensure the ice is not stuck together into one ice block. If necessary break it up.
6) If desired, add a little lemon juice.
7) Tip the glass on one side. Very slowly pour in the Coke, trying to minimize fizzing. Gradually straighten the glass as you pour.
8) As soon as all the Coke is in the glass, take your first sip while there is still a little fizzing.
9) Enjoy!

Evil Marketing Executives

Marketing for diapers (that's nappies for my mates across the pond) is getting more and more clever. Huggies now has Winnie The Pooh characters on their diapers. Firstly, parents and kids alike love Winnie and friends and will buy more diapers because of the warm glow it gives them inside. And secondly there will be countless conversations such as "Mommy! Me got Pooh diaper!", which will be misinterpreted as "Mommy! Me got a poopy diaper!", thus leading the caring parent to change the diaper immediately, resulting in more sales. Don't think the evil Huggies Marketing executives didn't think of this. I've a feeling that soon Jack Daniels will be using 'Jack and Jill' to entice toddlers away from milk onto hard liquor.

Ball Issues

A friend of mine told me today about a terrible, apparently not serious, medical condition he has - The swelling of one his testicles to several times its normal size. For the detail-oriented ones of you out there I apologize, but I am unsure if it was his left or right. He wished to remain anonymous, but agreed that I could post as artist's representation of his alarming plight:

TV Addict

I think I need to go on a TV diet. I've watched too much TV in my life - I know this because when I see a white unmarked van I assume the FBI are inside with listening equipment - It turns out that my neighbor is megalomaniac master criminal who is trying to hold the world to ransom with a nuclear bomb. When I see someone swimming in the sea I assume a large shark is about to rip their leg off, and that some dramatic music will start playing as I run heroically into the water to save them.
When I see a pinwheel or windmill I assume a large yellow Teletubbie will pop his head out of the ground to tell me "Eh Oh". A furry rabbit will run past. When I see a balloon in the sky it is surely a UFO about to make first contact - I will tell them that we want to be at peace with them and they will blow the world to bits to make way for an intergalactic super-highway. When the phone rings it will be myself talking to me from the future with this weekend's lottery numbers - I will use my immense wealth to own the entire town and corrupt the local community with gambling and alcohol. My name is Digamon Cinnamon, and I am a TV addict.

Animal Rights!..... Man.

I recently took my wife and kids to the State Fair here in Detroit Michigan. This was a new experience for me as I am an Englishman in Detroit. This basically consists of looking at a bunch of prize cows, pigs, sheep, horses and chickens tied up in little stalls and cages. Apparently this isn't cruel because they are dumb animals. Of course that's what they said about slaves from Africa in 1850. Society is ever-changing, progressing, and expanding our freedom. Slavery, religious freedom, womens' rights. The logical progression is that in about another century, farm animals will not be able to be owned by any person, they will be free to roam where they want. Landmark cases from the US Supreme Court will rule that all fences must be removed so that cows can eat from any pasture they like, even if it is your back yard. Eating of meat will become less and less tolerated except in the increasingly rare rural areas. Meat-substitutes will be healthier, more tender and tastier than the real thing. Eventually in 2097 eating of meat will be banned. And in 2134 farm animals will finally get the vote. This will of course cause havoc in New Zealand as their new Prime Minister will be an un-educated large Devon Closewool ewe who will decree that Wellington Harbour should be "grassed over immediately".

Some folks never exaggerate - they just remember big

My wife is the master of exaggeration. The minimum exaggeration she ever uses is 18 Thousand. e.g "There were like 18 Thousand people in line at the Bank today". But when she is in the mood she switches it up to a whole new level. Not only does she skip the Millions and Billions and goes directly to the Trillions, but she omits any similes - She just states it as a fact. Most people would say "The phone has been ringing off the hook today", but she says "The phone has rung 8 trillion times today!". Let's think about that for a second. That is 8,000,000,000,000 in say 12 hours. This comes out to over 185 Million calls a second. You buy shares in AT&T here.

Guessing Rules

When I tell my wife an incredible fact I expect her to be amazed. Normally I ask her to guess the answer before I tell her, because that way it forces her to think of what the 'highest' or 'biggest' could be before I tell her the astonishing truth. However, I have very strict but simple guessing rules that she must abide by for my ego to be satisfied:
Rule 1) Always guess 'less than' you think the real answer may be.
Rule 2) Don't guess so much 'less than' that it is obvious you are guessing 'less than'.
For example...

GUESSING TOO HIGH
Me: "What is the largest waist measurement of a human?"
The Wife: "Ummmmm, 15 foot?"
Me: "No! You didn't follow the guessing rules. It's 9 feet 11 inches!"

GUESSING TOO LOW
Me: "What is the wingspan of the biggest butterfly?"
The Wife: "Ummmmm, 2 inches?"
Me: "No! You didn't follow the guessing rules. It's 11 inches!"

GUESSING JUST RIGHT
Me: "How long are the world's longest toenails?"
The Wife: "Ummmmm, 3 foot?"
Me: "It's 7 foot, 3 inches!"
The Wife: "Wow! That's remarkable!"
Me: "I know. Do you want a foot rub?"

Super Cell

Cell phones are gradually getting more and more functions packed into them, but they still don't have enough technology for me. I want a cell phone with:
- Voice mail
- Text messaging
- Address book
- PDA / Palm Pilot
- Clock
- Alarm clock
- Digital camera
- Calculator
- MP3 player
- Word/Excel
- Voice recognition for all functions
- Bluetooth downloading data to my PC
- Emails
- Scientific Calendar with graphs
- Digital memo voice recorder
- Web browsing with broadband speed
- Downloadable rings
- Radio
- TV
- 40Gb storage
- 8 inch screen
- Entire unit folds to 3 inches
- Global Positioning System (GPS)
- Always up to date road maps of every country in the world
- Automated driving directions
- Universal TV remote control
- Nintendo Game-Boy compatible
- 5 day battery life
- Remote car starter
- Garage door opener
- 3D holographic projection
- Stun gun
- Light Sabre

Urinal Etiquette

This guide intended for Gentlemen who do not wish to break the social norms when relieving themselves and want to alleviate any awkwardness in the Men's Room.
1) WHERE TO GO?

• Using either urinal or a stall is acceptable, although most Gentlemen with any self-reliance should use the urinal.


• Make every effort not to enter the restrooms at the same time as a buddy or work colleague.


• If you do enter at the same time as someone else, one of you will be expected to use the stall so as to avoid an awkward situation.


• If there are 2 urinals and one is in use, use a stall.


• If there are 3 urinals and the middle one is in use, use a stall.


• If there are 3 urinals and the 2 outer ones are in use, use a stall.


• If there are 3 urinals and one end one is in use, use the other end urinal.


• For larger bathrooms, the general rule is to leave a courtesy buffer of at least one empty urinal between you and the next Gentlemen.


• The above rule does not apply in busy /heavy drinking events such as sports events, bars, and night clubs. In this case each Gentleman is expected to follow the 'one urinal, one Gentleman' rule. If there is a long trough then the general rule for knowing how close you may stand to another Gentleman is that you should never be able to 'cross the streams'.

2) STANCE

• Stand with legs shoulder-width apart.


• One hand on the hip or in a pocket is considered 'good form'.


• Placing both hands on your 'unit' should be avoided. If you need both hands to take aim then you should go back to potty training.

3) WHERE TO LOOK

• In normal circumstances it is expected to look straight ahead at the wall.


• You may also look down to check your aim. All men of refinement understand that 'Shooting the soap' is fun.


• Do not look at anyone else, or turn around to see who has just entered the room.


• Some forward-thinking bars and clubs place newspapers, sports memorabilia or posters on the wall directly in front of you.


• If you are talking to the person next to you and you feel that it would be rude to continue to stare at the wall, then turn your head and lock eyes with the other Gentleman.


• Never look with 30 degrees of another Gentleman's 'unit'.

4) TALKING

• Talking should be avoided if possible. A cursory 'hello' is much more acceptable and comfortable for both parties than a full conversation.


• Never start a conversation until you are both washing your hands.


• If someone starts a conversation with you, keep it very brief, but polite.


• If a conversation is in progress as you enter the bathroom with someone else, try to pause the talking until hand washing is in progress.


• Never, under any circumstances, talk to someone in a stall.


• Talking on cell phones used to be completely prohibited, but is now gradually becoming more accepted. Try to keep conversations to sport and the weather.

5) FINISHING UP

• The normal ending process is the 'shake and squeeze'.


• Some Gentlemen may have the bravado to shake their entire body, perhaps even standing up on their toes if they feel particularly upbeat.


• Spitting is considered 'good form'.


• Flush the urinal with gusto... as if you were changing gear in Ferrari 360.
  
• It is expected that you wash your hands unless you are particularly intoxicated.

Basically, I Suck

When I play Raquetball or squash I always find it easier playing against someone else than playing on my own. When I play by myself I never know which direction the ball is going to go, and it invariably goes in exactly the direction that a perfectly hit ball doesn't. So, I always lose when I play against myself. At least when I play someone else I can make a decent guess as to which direction the ball will go. Logically, therefore, I should always win when I play against someone else as they will have no idea which direction the ball is going to go, and I am always good enough to beat myself. But for some reason, even though the logic is impeccable, whenever I play against someone else, I lose. I blame the ancient Greek Philosophers like Plato and his so called theories of logic. They must have been pretty dumb if they can't figure out a simple logic problem like this.

The "No Fur On Fruit" Society

I pay good money to have clean, perfectly ripened, undamaged, firm, colourful fruit. Every morning I employ a young child to come to my house and shave the fuzz from the skin of a Kiwi Fruit for my breakfast. I quickly learned that Whipped Cream tastes rather better Shaving Cream. I am thinking about having the child use tweezers to individually pluck the tiny hairs protruding from my Raspberries. As a side project money-making scheme I would collect the hairs and fashion an attractive, albeit short, red hairpiece to sell to Elton John. I think the Punk Skinhead thing would really liven up his image.

Ugly Flaps Of Skin

Were you just wondering to yourself what the ugliest part of the human body is? The answer is obvious, but most people don't stop and think about it as they see the grotesqueness all day long, and they are in denial about how repulsive it really is. The answer is... those gnarled flaps of skin hanging off the sides of your face - your ears. There is no valid justifiable reason why they should be designed with all those hideous grooves and ridges - I don't believe for a second that it helps us to hear any better. Go ask a dog. Van Gough had the right idea. Future Cosmetic Surgery will undoubtedly include ear removal.

It's Oh So Quiet, Oh So Still

If a man claps with one hand in a forest and there is no one around, then does it make a sound?

Humanize This

The best kids TV shows are those that anthropomophize animals or inanimate objects - like Jay Jay the Jet Plane, Thomas the Tank Engine and Big Bird. Older kids had Kitt the talking car in Knight Rider. These human characteristics bring them to life and give kids a connection with them. Many adults need this kind of connection in their lives too. Computer techies would feel very connected to (almost on an Ethernet level) Denny the Dell Inspiron 700M Laptop. Music lovers would spend all day listening to C Sharp (know to his friends as "The Big C"). Sports freaks would love the studio banter of Sammie "34.5 yards" The Useless Sport Statistic.

Sabre Light

If I had a Light Sabre I wouldn't waste my time killing aliens who had turned to the dark side in exciting, but potentially dangerous battles. I would use it as novelty lighting in my sitting room. Of course a number of my family and friends would loose their fingers as they reach for it and say "Ooooh, I like your new larva-lamppppaaaaarrrrgh", but that's the price you have to pay for interesting lighting.

What Can Brown Doo Doo For You?

Marketing executives do a lot of research and spend a lot of money determining the optimum design and colour for their logos. McDonald's yellow and red logo shows that it is a fun happy place to be, and makes you think of the warmth of the rising sun. Wal*Mart must have spent millions choosing the exact shape for the star, and the exact right shade of blue to invite, no entice you in. Shipping company UPS went for a different approach. I guess they are trying to appeal to our natural parenting insticts, and all of the happy thoughts that babies bring, by colouring thir logo brown and yellow, just like the contents a 6 month old's diaper.

Die Tie-Die

Four decades of fashion faux-pas have proven that people who wear Tie-Die t-shirts are saying to the world "look at me, even though I'm ugly". Imagine a large male Peacock proudly opening his tail feathers to reveal flourecent orange and yellow Tie-Die swirls. There's a reason why Mother Nature never let this happen - He would never get layed.

Baa Baa

Why are people from New Zealand always proudly bleating on about how they have more sheep in their country than people? I don't see that as anything to be proud of, I mean I have more rabbits in my back garden than there are people in my house, but you don't hear me going on about it. Come on New Zealand! Try and sort yoursleves out so you have more to be proud of than sheep and sicking your tongue in and out at tourists passing by.

Now That's What I Call Fax

I lament the fact that future generations will be unable to experience the joy of sending and receiving faxes... The anticipation with trembling fingers as I dial the numbers... The exhilaration as the unique fax harmonious musical noise begins... The pure joy as the paper feeds through... Because of this loss (I think we will all feel) as the technology is phased out, I will shortly be bringing out a new CD called "Now That's What I Call Fax" - A wonderous collection of fax noises from random fax numbers found on Google from around the world. I'm assuming that millions of people feel the same nostalgia as I do, so I will be bringing out volumes 1 to 5 simultaneously.

Olympia

With the Olympics about to start I am getting sick of all this talk about the athletes taking performance enhancing drugs. I don't see what's so bad about taking a chemical so you can do your job better - After all, I drink caffeine every day so I can stay awake at work. I am going to start a new Olympics where the athletes can take as many damn steroids as they want. They will all be super pumped up, have enormous muscles, and take speed so they are hyper. In no time they will get the 100 meter sprint down to 8 seconds. It would be far more exciting to see all the records getting broken and their hearts exploding.

Rubber Neck

If I was a Chicken I would buck the trend and walk without moving my head back and forth in that ridiculous manner. I would strut my stuff by sauntering slowly along like John Wayne. All the other chickens would be like "What's up with that?", and I'd be like "Yo man, I'm just doin' the Funky Chicken thang".

Instant Millionaire

I thought of a great get rich quick scheme. Firstly invent a time machine. Then note the winning Lottery numbers on Saturday night, go back to Friday and buy a ticket with those numbers. Then return to Sunday to collect your winnings. Voila! An easy way to become a Millionaire overnight.

Frog Rog Rag Rab Rabi Rabbit

If my rabbit said 'Ribbit', I would name him Robert.
If my Cuckoo said 'Moo', I would name him Stu.
If my Sheep said 'Tweet Tweet', I would name him Pete.

Urine, anyone?

My kidneys are remarkable organs. No matter what I drink, my piss is always yellow, and smells of piss. I drink water, my piss is yellow and smells of piss. I drink Coke, my piss is yellow and smells of piss. I drink lemonade, my piss is yellow and smells of piss. I drink Mountain Dew, my piss is yellow and smells of piss. I drink beer, my piss is yellow and smells of piss. I drink wine, my piss is yellow and smells of piss. However, when I eat asparagus, for some reason known only to my kidneys, my piss is yellow and smells of rotten eggs... I'm off to take a leak. Here's a recipe for Asparagus and Leek Soup.

What's my age again?

There is a theory that states that if you take the height of a girl at 2 years 3 months for a girl, or 2 years 8 months for a boy, and you double that height, that is how tall the kid will grow up to be as an adult. I would like to extend that theory (without any reliable evidence) to say that if you take the IQ of a 5 year old and double it, that will their IQ as an adult. Further, you can find what the Common Sense will be when a kid grows up by doubling their Common Sense at the age of 25.

Prairie Dawg

It must be great being a Prairie Dog. When you are just a few months old you can copulate and begin the next generation. The ultimate mammal would be one where the time between generations is reduced from months to days to hours to seconds. Imagine throwing 2 Prairie Dogs off a tall building and by the time they reach the ground their numerous generations of offspring would have evolved to grow wings and could fly safely away. Of course all the earlier generations would die a horrible death, but that's natural selection for you.

Pelvic Thrust

Through painstaking research I have determined that the pelvic thrusts of veteran entertainer Tom Jones generate on average 20% more power than those of eternal favorite Elvis Presley. Despite this Jones has still not been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I think it is about time this great travesty of the entertainment world was corrected.

Finally, some help for vegetarians

I recently discovered this great diet plan where you can slowly ween yourself back on to eating meat by starting on Monday by nibbling some salami. On Tuesday you could try some Lunchmeat... By Friday you could be tucking in to a delicious juicy 12oz steak.

Punk Fish

If I was a teenage fish and I wanted to really shock my parents,  I would get a bunch of face piercings that looked like fish-hooks. My Grandma would be completely freaked out and just wouldn't understand the youth culture of today.  Then about 5 years later pretty much every young fish would have face fish-hook piercings too, so I'd have to get a tatoo on my fin of a fishing boat.

Pretty Butterflies?

We all know about the 'Butterfly Effect' where a butterfly flapping its wings in China causes a hurricane in Florida. This is obviously a major global issue that needs to be addressed immediately. These seemingly innocuous insects may look pretty and may form a vital part of the ecology, but they need to be eliminated so that these terrible disasters do not happen again. All Chinese citizens should be immediately supplied with a large fine-mesh net and a mallet.

Fly on the wall

The pinnacle of evolutionary development must be the fly. I am basing this on how happy the species is to be alive through observational experimentation. Flies are always rubbing their hands together with glee thinking about the next piece of crap they are going to land on.

Gladitorial Combat

I'm all for bringing back gladitoral combat between wild animals. Where else could you see a Polar Bear and a Crocodile ripping each other apart? I'm, sure FOX Network would pick this up and get great ratings. Then, a year later NBC would come out with a watered-down copy-cat version with a ferocious chipmunk versus a sloth.

Commies

Red Square in Moscow is neither red, nor square. The White House in Washington DC is both white and a house. Who needs more proof that Capitalism has prevailed over Communism? Commie bastards.

To infinity and beyond

If you put an infinite number of monkeys in a room, each with their own PC with Microsoft Office installed, I bet you any money that within 3 days their spokesman would come to the door with a fully-bound version of "The Joy Of Monkey Sex". I bet you.

Hairy Monkey

I've been tearing my hair out trying to figure out the cause for my recent balding. I just got back from a trip to Vietnam, and I think that the defoliant Agent Orange may have entered the food chain. It is obiously damaging my hair folicles. I should never have eaten that sautéd monkey.

Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso

I've been travelling a lot lately. Just got back from Africa. The sad thing is the pervasive poverty. But I have a solution. It seems to me there must be a huge problem with girrafe neck pain. The solution? Become a giraffe chiropractor. I don't know why these people can't think for themselves. You could make a mint by setting up a Percutaneous Transforaminal Endoscopic Spine Surgery clinic in Burkina Faso, or something.